If nothing ever changed there would be no butterflies.
My life looking back and seeing pictures, it's easy to see how people thought nothing was wrong. I looked like a rebellious teenager having a wonderful time and living it. Teenage pregnancy, emotional stage, smoke and drank. Only it wasn't that and it's not that for many.
Yes there are the people who cut or even go as far to say the cut themselves for attention. For those of us who have actually been hospitalized for cutting it pisses us off because we are a true cry for help. You have people thinking we are all just cut or are cutting for attention and that's not the case.
I was raped. Not once not even just twice but for years by a family member. He threatened to kill me if I told anyone. He actually jump started my cutting because he cut my skin. I was scared to death but honestly I started to associate that with feeling calm because when he wasn't doing that he really was hurting me. I started cutting when I started to panic about someone finding out what he had done.
Then I ended up pregnant and I hit severe depression. I carried full term miraculously. I gave birth to a little girl that was honestly doomed from the day she was born. I get frustrated with people, even people close to me that say to me "At least you got to hold her and hear her cry." Excuse me but were you in the delivery room when they yanked her from me? No you weren't, so sorry to be rude, but not sorry; SHUT THE HELL UP! I never got to hold her. I was banned from seeing her and surrendered her to adoption. It was a full surrender because I knew where she was for the next five years. I only have four pictures of her.
During those years I had a severe issue of cutting. The smoking was second in the worst category. Drinking was as prevalent as the cutting and smoking was during that time. I would party sure but I didn't find comfort in drinking. I still don't. The only alcohol beverage I find comforting is rose champagne and wine.
Cutting placed me into the hospital twice, both of those times were before I moved. When I moved things got slightly better. Only because I wasn't being constantly ridicule and shamed for having a baby and cutting. Slowly, I realized how alone I was and the cutting got worse.
Last time that almost ended me in the hospital was December 1st, 2012. I didn't end up in the hospital. It's the day that changed my life, forever. Drinking and cutting was it for me the night of November 30, 2012. I guess I stopped responding to my best friend because from my drowsy disposition. I fell asleep only to be woken up by my front door being kicked backwards off it's hinges onto the floor of my apartment.
I was snatched up and carried into the bathroom. Forced to feel hot water and soap into the places I had cut. I was then held in a lap with alcohol being poured into my wounds. I realized it was my best friend and her boyfriend, Odette and Chris.
After Chris bandaged me up I noticed someone else was picking up in my apartment. My heart about sunk into my pelvic when I realized it was Frankie, Chris's brother. He wanted to talk to me. He told me how sad it made him that I wanted to cut my beautiful body. I watched in amazement as he drew a beautiful detailed butterfly on my arm.
He explained to me that if I cut again the butterfly would die. I looked at the beautiful butterfly not wanting it to die because it was beautiful. I hugged him and it made him blush. He explained to me more about the Butterfly Project. "The person that cuts either draws a better or has someone else draw a butterfly where they cut or whatever. If you cut or self harm then you kill the butterfly But the ones drawn by other people are special. Even just one cut kills all the butterflies no matter how many you have."
They had plans to go ride the Polar Express at the Railroad Museum. So I was put into some extra Christmas pajamas that Odette had and got in the car. The ride there was quiet compared to the screaming I had done of the wee hours that morning. Frankie had managed to write a sweet note on Facebook to me for different ideas instead of cutting to do.
After that butterflies became very dear to me. But my views on butterflies have drastically changed in the last two weeks. It means even more to me now.
I talked at a conference about how not matter how scarred my skin was I was still beautiful. It was then my life changed a second time forever. A little girl about six and half wanted to talk to me about her skin condition and how I really spoke to her. She wanted to meet me. I drove back up there. This girl was an orphan and has a skin condition called epidermolysis bullosa.
I arrived and the little girl excitedly told me she was getting adopted. We talked about her what it felt like to her and how bad she had the disease since there are different forms of it. They are called butterfly children because of their skin being so thin like a butterfly's wings.
Frankie had went with me but had left and wandered off on a trip to the restroom. I finished up my talk and went to go find him. I discovered him playing peek a boo with a blue eyed and bouncing curls tiny little girl. It was over in an instant.
I now sit with this precious little girl who is a suffers from EB as well craddled against me. We are finalizing paperwork right now. I cannot believe that butterflies have changed my life so. And for this reason I will always love them.
Last time that almost ended me in the hospital was December 1st, 2012. I didn't end up in the hospital. It's the day that changed my life, forever. Drinking and cutting was it for me the night of November 30, 2012. I guess I stopped responding to my best friend because from my drowsy disposition. I fell asleep only to be woken up by my front door being kicked backwards off it's hinges onto the floor of my apartment.
I was snatched up and carried into the bathroom. Forced to feel hot water and soap into the places I had cut. I was then held in a lap with alcohol being poured into my wounds. I realized it was my best friend and her boyfriend, Odette and Chris.
After Chris bandaged me up I noticed someone else was picking up in my apartment. My heart about sunk into my pelvic when I realized it was Frankie, Chris's brother. He wanted to talk to me. He told me how sad it made him that I wanted to cut my beautiful body. I watched in amazement as he drew a beautiful detailed butterfly on my arm.
He explained to me that if I cut again the butterfly would die. I looked at the beautiful butterfly not wanting it to die because it was beautiful. I hugged him and it made him blush. He explained to me more about the Butterfly Project. "The person that cuts either draws a better or has someone else draw a butterfly where they cut or whatever. If you cut or self harm then you kill the butterfly But the ones drawn by other people are special. Even just one cut kills all the butterflies no matter how many you have."
They had plans to go ride the Polar Express at the Railroad Museum. So I was put into some extra Christmas pajamas that Odette had and got in the car. The ride there was quiet compared to the screaming I had done of the wee hours that morning. Frankie had managed to write a sweet note on Facebook to me for different ideas instead of cutting to do.
After that butterflies became very dear to me. But my views on butterflies have drastically changed in the last two weeks. It means even more to me now.
I talked at a conference about how not matter how scarred my skin was I was still beautiful. It was then my life changed a second time forever. A little girl about six and half wanted to talk to me about her skin condition and how I really spoke to her. She wanted to meet me. I drove back up there. This girl was an orphan and has a skin condition called epidermolysis bullosa.
I arrived and the little girl excitedly told me she was getting adopted. We talked about her what it felt like to her and how bad she had the disease since there are different forms of it. They are called butterfly children because of their skin being so thin like a butterfly's wings.
Frankie had went with me but had left and wandered off on a trip to the restroom. I finished up my talk and went to go find him. I discovered him playing peek a boo with a blue eyed and bouncing curls tiny little girl. It was over in an instant.
I now sit with this precious little girl who is a suffers from EB as well craddled against me. We are finalizing paperwork right now. I cannot believe that butterflies have changed my life so. And for this reason I will always love them.
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